40

Today I turn 40.

Up until a few weeks ago, I really didn't see this as a big deal. I still really don't. I'm not devastated to be turning 40. Hell, I don't even feel like 40 is OLD. I can't really put my finger on what the problem is, but I definitely feel off.

I don't know if it's hormones or a "mid-life crisis", but I am not feeling happy about lots of things right now. Since I have no other things to blame it on, it must be the fact that I have this "momentous" birthday.

I feel like, nothing I do is right. That I haven't reached goals I feel like I should. That something is empty or unfulfilled. As I said before, I can't put my finger on what it is, but I'm not happy about it.

I'm sure I could chalk it up to the fact that I've got three young kids, a husband, a job and volunteering responsibilities that have me pulled in 17 different directions. But I don't know. I have friends with similar responsibilities, and they seem fine. But then again, I wonder if I seem fine to them

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband and my kids. My job is great. It's just that something seems off.

I often feel as though my husband and kids don't appreciate me. I know that they do, it's just that I don't feel it. Ever since I was a little girl, I have needed the validation, the hugs, the "I love you's". I can't explain it, I just crave it. Maybe it's the middle child thing (as I feel as though my middle child is the same way). The thing is, even though I know how my family feels about me, I don't get the validation (except from the littlest one) very often. I'm always fighting with the older two, or they are fighting with each other. It's exhausting. There are times that my husband and I just interact like roommates raising children. I can't tell you the number of times, we've spent evenings in silence, him on his ipad, me on my laptop.

so, instead of looking to the positive, I find myself dwelling on the negative, the goals unmet, relationships unfulfilled.

My kids fight all the time

I can't keep my house clean

There are always bills to pay

I am ungrateful when my husband buys me a gift and I focus on how it is not exactly what I had in mind

I haven't' come anywhere close to my fitness/weight goals

I am hoping that once this day is past, I can get out of the funk that I seem to be in.

ghany girl

They say that the sense of smell can bring back long forgotten memories. They are so true.

As a pre-teen, I had the pleasure of attending Camp Alleghany, a camp for girls in West Virginia. My mother had once been a counselor at this camp and I had heard so many stories of her time there.

I remember being completely nervous and anxious heading off on the charter bus, but so excited for my new experiences.

I attended 'Ghany for three years (not consecutively, as my sister had the chance to go as well). They were the most amazing summers of my life. I had never attended a sleep away camp before, or since, so I don't really know if my experiences there are unique to this camp or not; I would like to believe that they are.

I try explaining why 'Ghany is such a great place to my husband, and he ends up looking at me as though I were crazy (he may be right, but not about camp). Even as I write this, I have a hard time coming up with words to describe and explain why Camp is so special to me.

This past Sunday, I had the pleasure of taking my oldest daughter for her first Camp Alleghany experience- a week of Mini Camp, allowed for first timers. As we stood on the banks of the Greenbrier River waiting for the Barge to ferry us over to Camp, so many emotions filled my heart. The sound of the Barge scraping the ramp was such a welcome sound. Sarah and her friend (who chose to attend Camp with her) were filled with nervous energy and couldn't wait to get across the river.

As the Barge neared the opposite side of the river, the line of counselors dressed in Blues & Whites, linked arm in arm, greeted us with a familiar song..."A welcome we're singing to you today..." Tears welled in my eyes as I remembered being serenaded in a similar fashion many years ago.

Once we were checked in at the store and the infirmary, we walked to Junior Camp to tent row. The second I entered her tent, I was smacked in the face with a such a familiar scent, it nearly knocked me over. The aroma of the tent alone transported me back 25 years to when I was a camper. It was amazing: the campfires, vespers, the walk through the woods to the dining hall, dances with Greenbrier boys, drama productions, the Old Johns, assemblies, hospital corners & inspections, Blue/Gray competitions (go Gray!), mail call, Cooper, Frannie, glass bottles of coke & fireballs at the store after dinner, peppermint patties & peanut butter, lunch under the apple tree. Big sigh!

I am positive that my daughters now think I am crazy, but I am hoping that Sarah will now have a glimpse into why!

what were they thinking

This past weekend my local community was reminded again at how fragile life is and how quickly things can change.

In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, May 15 I heard the far-away sirens through my open bedroom window. It struck me at how long they lasted. It didn't seem like lots of sirens, just a really long one. I remember thinking how odd, and maybe I'm imagining this. We woke the next day to news of a horrible car accident that had shut down the road only a few miles away near the soccer fields my oldest plays on.

As the details emerged, we discovered that it was a one car collision with a tree. Three of the five occupants of the vehicle were killed and one was injured. I found my self assuming the driver had been drunk, but was also remembering how wet the roads were that night. I had hoped it wasn't kids, it's prom season you know.

Later in the day the names and ages of the victims were released (they were all 18 or older) along with the information that the driver left the seen and was arrested three hours later. The youngest victim, Haeley McGuin was a local high school senior, just weeks from her graduation. The other two killed, Spencer Datt and John Hoover, were recent alumna of the same high school.

My heart immediately dropped. I travelled back in time to February of 2010 to the death of my student, a senior. The situations of their deaths differ, yet the grief still very much the same. Both situations lend themselves to "teachable moments".

When my student committed suicide, the troops mobilized and we talked to the kids about reaching out to others in need, talking to someone about what is troubling you, not bottling in feelings. We talked about anger and betrayal by a friend we thought we knew. We talked about the signs that something is not right.

In this situation, it has been suggested by the state's attorney that alcohol was involved. This is a prime opportunity for the community and the school, but most importantly parents, to talk about the dangers of drinking and driving.

Growing up, I knew about the dangers of drinking and driving. I was a member of my schools SADD club. I went to parties where there was drinking, but I absolutely never drove after drinking. Typically, I was the one with a car, so I was always the designated driver. But really, I didn't hang out with a big drinking crowd. But I knew to NEVER get in the car with someone who was drinking.

I know that the message is still out there, but maybe it is not as strong as it used to be.

I hear many stories as a high school counselor that concern me. There are many parents out there that either aren't present enough in their child's life (physically or emotionally) or are too present, working too hard to be their child's friend. my plea to any parent of a teenager is this, you are not supposed to be your child's friend at this stage in their life. They need you to set rules and boundaries, and yes, at times they are going to say they hate you. Allowing your child to set their own rules is a recipe for disaster.

So, hug your kids. Let them know you love them. But set limits and rules. Let them know that they can call you, at any time, no questions asked for a ride. Let them know that people do die; Haeley McGuire, Spencer Datt, and John Hoover did not get into that car expecting to die.

I hate sundays

I am not sure what it is about Sundays that get my children to decide to make my life miserable. Without fail, my Sunday morning is spent yelling and screaming trying to get them out of the house so that we can get to church in time for Sunday School.

Today, the argument was primarily with Sarah who refused to put her clean clothes away from yesterday. Pat yelled at her that her play date would be cancelled if she didn't take care of it. Of course, the hysterics began. It becomes all about how horrible we are as parents, not about her responsibilities.

I hate the fighting that always precedes church. I hate yelling at my kids. I hate feeling this way on a day when you are supposed to rejoice. Part of me wants to just leave them at home. Of course, that defeats the point of teaching them about God and religion. Part of me is so jealous of those who don't go to church. To wake up with no agenda, no rush to be somewhere. To be able to leisurely plan my day. But then again, I'm sure my kids would fight me about that too!

potty time

One of my good friends had a daughter a few weeks after we had Emma. We've been comparing their developmental milestones ever since. Emma sat first, M spoke first (I'm pretty sure M spoke in full sentences before Emma said 2 words, Emma walked first, M recognized colors and letters (seriously, this girl is smart). Well, my girlfriend decided that when M was 18 months old, she was ready to potty train. She bought pull-ups and got some books and videos and was determined to have her potty trained. She told me stories of friends who potty trained their kids that early and she was determined. I was skeptical, but she was a first time mom and, well, you know how they can be (wink).

So as the days-and then weeks-went on, L shared her frustration with the whole process. She was upset that the daycare provider was not working with her, she was upset that her daughter didn't seem to be making progress, even though she would use the potty at home a few times a day. I tried to tell her that it was probably too soon. I also shared with her my suggestions on potty training, but she brushed them off. I don't know what it is about this process that makes mothers so defensive. Friends have come to me with numerous parenting questions from breastfeeding advice to what first foods should they try. However, when it comes to potty training, everyone thinks they have the best solution. I certainly don't profess to be an expert, but I am on my third child and I've learned a few things along the way. But, whatever, you keep trying your method and let me know how that works.

I am a firm believer in naked potty training. Pull-ups are only used for outings, naps & bedtimes. The way I see it, if you teach them to pee in a pull up, it is no different than peeing in a diaper. We go naked in the house, wear pull-ups only when necessary and once it seems like the child has figured out when they have to go, we try training panties (those thick multi-ply cotton ones that Gerber makes). It is often two steps forward, one step back (or even one step forward, two steps back). Usually the first few times in panties, end up in accidents. all three of my girls could go accident free for weeks when naked, but then as soon as a cotton pantie went on, they would pee. It must be something about just feeling something on their bottom.

About 8 months or so, we brought our potty out of storage and let Emma get used to seeing it. She took to it pretty quickly. We spent a lot of time naked, a.lot.of.time. Then Summer hit. It is hard to do naked potty training when your are outside all the time playing with the neighbor kids. So, I didn't push the issue. We were still naked most of the time in the house, but I wasn't pressed to get it done right then.

Then one evening, Emma decided to go poop in the big potty. We were amazed and excited! She was so proud of herself for pooping in the potty like a big girl. It seemed she turned a corner on her own. Then came Elly. Elly was the new girl at daycare who is a bit older than Emma and was already close to being potty trained. That was all it took. Lina, the daycare provider started taking Emma to the potty along with Elly, and the next thing I knew, Emma was coming home in the same diaper she left home with. Last week, Lina handed me a huge bag of diapers and said she didn't need them anymore. Instead, I sent in a few pull-ups and panties and a change of clothes. She's been wearing panties ever since!

My baby is potty trained!! My baby is potty trained. I'm not so sure this milestone is a bittersweet as some of the others.

Oh, and my friend's baby M, she's still walking around wearing pull-ups as diapers. And, she finally asked me to tell her what to do.

heart attack

Last week and part of this week, the big girls are attending Camp Daddy. I have to work and didn't want the girls to miss out on morning swim practices. I didn't want a repeat of last year's pre-team experience for Megan. Pat was off on Mon & Tuesday and then was scheduled to work evenings the rest of the week. IT was perfect. I didn't have to pay for camp, the kids didn't miss out on swim practice & they got quality time with Daddy! Win-Win-draw!

The girls had dentist appointments on Thursday. Pat was not thrilled to have to take them, but knew there was really no option. I always hate taking the girls because at some point I'm going to get a lecture about how they need to brush better, no fruit snacks, etc. The last few times we've gone, Megan has ended up with a few cavities. I, think I have come to dread her appointments more than she does. I can't think of anything I would rather do less than go with her to get a cavity filled.

After their appointment, Sarah called me at work to let me know that she had 5 cavities and Megan had 3. My mouth dropped and I couldn't even muster a sound. I knew that their brushing wasn't the greatest, but I had not anticipated this. Part of me was in disbelief and I think I finally muttered a "you're kidding, right?" I still can't remember what Sarah's response was, I just sat there at my desk trying to get my mind to grasp hold of what she had just told me. Finally, I heard Pat's voice on the other end of the line. He chuckled, "I told Sarah there was no way you'd fall for that."

Evidently, Sarah is following in her father's footsteps. He is always trying to shock me and get me to believe his outrageous stories. Both girls had a perfect visit to the dentist with NO cavities and little chastising by the dentist. Go figure!

pondering my navel

Tomorrow morning I will undergo a laparoscopic procedure to remove my gall bladder-through my belly button. I am not looking forward to this procedure, but will be happy to not have to deal with the pain waking me up in the middle of the night.

A few months ago (Palm Sunday, to be exact) I had horrendous stomach pain that hit me on the drive home from a wonderful evening at my parents house. I was up most of the night with the most uncomfortable stomach pain I had ever had before. I couldn't get comfortable, I felt nauseous, but not like I would throw up. I don't often have stomach issues, so it was concerning. At some point in the night, the pain subsided and I fell asleep. The next day there was no pain and things were fine.

Easter Sunday, a week later, at my in laws in Pittsburgh, I felt the same pain, but it was so much worse. I didn't sleep much and it was awful. In the morning I was describing the pain to my Father-in-law and he thought it sounded like my gall bladder. I started Googling and began reading and it seemed to me that he was right.

From that point, I started watching the fat content in the food I was eating and tried to do a little experimentation with my diet. For a while I was OK, but then out of the blue I would have an attach even when I consumed very little fat. I finally got in to the Dr's office and she ordered an ultrasound as well as blood work to determine what in fact was going on.

The only ultrasound's I have ever had, prior to this, was for my babies. Let me tell you, this was no where near as fun! Instead of looking at tiny toes and fluttering heartbeats, I was trying to see if there were stones in my gall bladder. The technician also checked out my pancreas, kidneys, and liver. I did a lot of rolling onto my side and taking deep breaths and holding it while she shoved the device into my ribs. So.Not.Fun! Plus I didn't get any cute little pictures to take home with me.

The result was a chronically inflamed gall bladder with lots of stones that needs to come out. The surgeon agreed with my Dr. and surgery was scheduled.

So, here I sit, waiting to go in at 6:45 tomorrow morning for surgery. Since my diagnosis, I've had a few more attacks, including one on mother's day, and a horrendous one a few weeks ago that I likened to labor pains, just 6 inches higher up in my abdomen. I really don't want surgery, but I also don't want to have this pain anymore.

I'm not too nervous, but I wonder if I should be. It is general anesthesia, and there is always a risk. I made sure I tucked my babies in with lots of hugs and kisses tonight, but I'm sure all will go well.

busy

Spring is always so busy. There are soccer practices and soccer games, T-ball practices and T-ball games. School events and swim team registration, choir practice and brownie meetings. It is exhausting. I've meant to post so much in the last month, but never seem to have the time, or energy, to do so.

The school year is winding down, as are many of the girls' activities. This weekend, the holiday gave us the opportunity to take a break from the hustle and bustle and just enjoy the good weather. We spent time with family and went swimming twice this weekend. Both of the big girls had swimming play dates today, and fell into bed exhausted!

Emma is fearless when it comes to the water. She loves it with almost reckless abandon! Last summer she would jump into the water without any care for whether or not there was anyone to catch her. This spring she took lessons and we discovered that with age, she has learned to be somewhat cautious. Now that she remembers how much fun the pool is, she is back to thinking she can swim. She jumps into me without a care, then squirms to get away from me as though she can really swim. She sinks down and has a slight panicked look on her face, but when I pull her back up, she just smiles and wipes her eyes! It truly amazes me how different she is from the other two at the same age.

Clearly, I will not have a relaxing summer ahead of me!

two

Emma turned two yesterday.

Blowing out the candle on her Carvel ice cream cake.

Must get every last drop

I am not sure where the past two years have gone. I cannot believe that my baby is now two years old. My sweet Emma has turned into an amazing little girl with loads of personality, just like her big sisters. She talks up a storm from the moment she wakes until the moment her head hits the pillow, and sometimes after that! She is exhausting, but I can't imagine life without her.

How did we get
From This

To This

back to the grind

Today was the first day back to school since the snowmageddon of 2010. We had a delayed opening which made the day even more disjointed than normal.

I left the house with plenty of time to get to work early this morning. Of course, "the best laid plans..." and all that jazz. It ended up taking twice as long to get in to work than usual. Traffic was gnarled by snow plows and front end loaders removing snow, people walking in the streets because the sidewalks hadn't been shoveled, and poor timing of a 2 hour delay for schools and the federal government. AND THE POT HOLES. Holy cow, the potholes. I think I saw one the size of Delaware!

After arriving to the parking lot 10 minutes after I should have already been in my office, I was blocked from parking in my usual place, by what else, a snow plow and front end loader clearing snow from the staff parking lot....while students and staff are arriving. I had to fight for a parking space in the staff lot that is usually not crowded. Someone should have been checking for parking permits today. I finally found a spot at the back of the lot. I think I have to walk a half a mile to my car this afternoon. So stupid!

I really wish the county would get out and actually ticket the people who haven't shoveled the sidewalks. So many kids were walking along the side of major roads in order to get to school this morning. I am amazed that no one got injured (so far). It is absolutely crazy!

As insane as my commute to work was this morning, it felt so good to get here and do SOMETHING. 10 days home with your kids and not much to do is painful! I love them, but there is only so many craft projects you can do!

disappointment

On Wednesday, we had out eagerly anticipated follow up doctors appointment with the orthopaedist for Sarah's broken clavicle. While we knew it had only been 4 weeks we were hoping to hear good news. In the last week or so, Sarah has not been in any pain and has discovered that she can go without her sling for periods of time. AND she has been able to bathe herself-oh happy day! I knew that we probably would be given the go ahead for sports right away, but I wasn't expecting for her to be sidelined for another month!

They took new x-rays and compared them side-by-side. The doctor was very pleased and she is healing quickly, "laying down new bone nicely" is what he said. However, he has not given her clearance for basketball or PE just yet. He said swimming could start in 2 weeks.

I cannot tell you how devastated Sarah is. By nature, she is an athletic and social child. This is her first time playing basketball and was loving it. She hadn't even played in a game yet. One of her best girlfriends is on the team with her and not being able to participate is killing her. Thankfully, if given the clearance in 4 weeks, she will still be able to play in a few games. When I broke all this to her Wednesday afternoon, she was in tears. My moody child, of course, proceeded to take it out on everyone. Evidently, the fact that she even broke her collarbone is our (her parent's) fault because we decided to go to visit family over the holidays (family that, by the way, she loves and would have been pissed as hell if we hadn't gone). It has nothing to do with the fact that she was running around chasing her cousins and acting like a fool. Nor does it have anything to do with the fact that she was jumping off the stairs that I had already told her not to do!

While this whole situation has been a total pain in the ass, I am so thankful that it wasn't anything more serious.

why won't they leaveme alone

Day 15

It has been 15 days straight that I have been with my children 24 hours a day. I do love them (this has been my mantra for the last 12 days), but they are driving me insane...quite literally.

This "vacation" began with a 23inch snow storm on Dec 19th and we had to deal with no school for 3 days after the snow. I was unable to properly finish my holiday shopping and wrapping and definitely resented having them home with me.

The big girls fight almost non-stop. I have tried every parenting trick I know to get them to stop and nothing has worked. Save for Christmas day, when they actually didn't fight, there has been yelling and screaming and crying and punching and biting (yes, the 8-almost 9- year old has bitten her 5 year old sister at least twice) every single day.

On top of this is the always demanding and tempermental toddler.

Honestly, I am about to lose it.

I threatened the oldest that I was about to leave, get in the car, and drive far far away.

Didn't seem to phase her one bit. My lucky husband gets to leave and go to work. He admitted he didn't want to change places with me.

They are winning...

Holiday update

This holiday season seemed to really sneak up on me. It seems that Christmas comes faster and faster every year. My shopping was not finished until Christmas Eve and my Christmas cards were finally mailed on the 23rd, but we did manage to finish things up just in the nick of time. Unfortunately, what really derailed me this year was the surprise snow storm last weekend.

I guess I can't really call it a surprise when all the news forecasts clearly called for snow. However, I had no clue it was coming until the day before it was scheduled. Snow is not out of the ordinary in the metro DC area, but a raging blizzard in December is. What started out as a forecast of probably 5-8 inches, became 8-12 and then 12-15 and then 18+. When all was said and done, it was 23 inches in my neck of the woods.

The kids loved it, but I knew it meant days and days of clean up. We shoveled twice during the day on Saturday, while it was snowing. I first went out around 10 am and there were probably 10 inches on the ground. By the time I finished, there were another 1.5-2 inches down again.

The girls had a great time, but the snow on Saturday led to schools being closed for Monday, then Tuesday, and then finally Wednesday. Great! I'm always up for a snow day. But, we now have used up 3 of our 4 allotted days off AND I was stuck with my kids for 5 whole days!!! I love em, but their fighting was driving me crazy!

Those days with the kids prevented me from finishing shopping, and wrapping gifts. I did manage to get some baking done...the last thing my waistline needed!

All the preparation that did, or didn't, get done no longer matters. The day is done and the kids were thrilled. Emma didn't know what to make of it all, but enjoyed playing with the toys that "Dinty Claus" brought. Sarah claimed that Band Hero and her Zhu Zhu pet were her favorite gifts. Megan loves her Pillow Pal, Zhu Zhu pet, and her Crayon Maker. I was thrilled to get a lovely cashmere scarf and some handmade gifts from the girls.

The BEST present of all...not a single fight all day long!

The end

[Disclaimer: I am truly a breastfeeding advocate, but do realize that it is not ideal for everyone. I pass no judgement on those who chose not to, or could not breastfeed. This is just my experience. One for which I am grateful for choosing.]



I've been formulating this post in my mind for months. It has been almost two full weeks since Emma nursed. Seeing that she is 19 months old, many would consider it well past due. There is a large part of me that weeps inside knowing that I will never get the opportunity to enjoy that wonderful bonding experience again. A few weeks ago, I read a wonderful post about another mother's experience with breastfeeding. Anymommy is most definitely a gifted writer and I am sure that my post will pale in comparison.



When I began the journey of breastfeeding almost 9 years ago with my first child, I had hoped that I would be able to nurse her for a while, but was so unsure of what that really would mean. I had no preconceived ideas of how long was the right amount and what I would do if I needed to formula feed. I just fed her and it worked. She had no difficulty latching on and even with a slight bout of jaundice, we were able to nurse with little fanfare. As she was born in February, it was so nice to just snuggle in and get cozy in bed or on the couch and spend uninterrupted time providing for my baby the way nature intended.

When I returned to work, I pumped. I felt like a cow and struggled mightily with supply problems. I took pills and drank teas and tried all I could do. It got to the point where I had no "freezer stash" and was living day to day hoping that nothing would happen. I can't tell you how painful it was to discover that I had forgotten to put my milk in the fridge one day and found it the next morning still in the cooler compartment of the breast pump. I'm sure I violated some tenet of breastfeeding when I poured that precious liquid gold right into a bottle and NOT down the drain. It smelled and tasted fine to me, so I just banked on the magical properties of breast milk to keep it safe. Thankfully, Sarah came out of that just fine and we were able to make it 12 months of nursing and pumping. She finally weaned herself around 15 months and I was fine with it. Part of me missed it as we snuggled at bedtime, but I also enjoyed having my body back.

When Sarah's younger sister Megan was born, we (my ta-ta's and I) were able to fall right back into the rhythm they learned a few years earlier. The time spent actually nursing her was wonderful, the time spent hooked up to a breast pump-not so much! The same supply issues I had with Sarah were still there. Megan always seemed to enjoy the nursing more than her sister and that was painfully evident in the almost 20 months we spent joined at the mouth/breast. I had to force Megan to wean and it was not a pretty sight. But, again part of me was a little sad to be done with it.

When Emma was born, my job situation had changed some and I knew I wasn't going to be able to nurse her in the morning when she woke. Which meant she was going to drink one more bottle a day than the other girls had, and knowing how my supply was with the other girls, I had a sinking suspicion that I would have some real problems keeping up. Emma was definitely a bigger eater than her sister, it didn't hurt she was born 1.5 lbs heavier. Nursing was not an issue, but of course, supply while pumping was. I posted last fall about my meltdown and my realization that Emma was going to be my first child to have formula. At the time, I felt like a failure. Thank God for friends and family who kept me from losing my mind and helped me to realize it was far more healthier for my child to have me sane, than to insist upon breast milk only.

Emma and I both made it to 12 months and lived to tell about it. When one of her first words was "nurse", I knew I had another addict on my hands. (It was adorable when she would walk up to me at bedtime saying "Nurse? Nurse? Peas, peas, nurse?") I knew it was time, but I couldn't bring myself to wean her. Over the past few months I had gotten her nursing down to just at bedtime and then the last few weeks, I've been slowly using other means of getting her to sleep. I would nurse her for a little and then take her up to her room to read Goodnight Moon and then down she would go. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving I decided this would be a good time to try to wean. Her bedtime routine that night consisted of just the book and nothing else and no complaints. Thanksgiving night, the same. And now we are going on almost two full weeks. Now that doesn't mean she still doesn't ask, but after I tell her a few times that its "all gone" she seems to give up. That also doesn't mean that I don't miss it.

I miss the feel of a baby nestled in my arms and rooting for a familiar smell. I miss the tell-tale feel of the good latch of a hungry baby. I miss the sight of a sleeping baby drunk on mother's milk. I miss the warmth and bonding of skin on skin contact. I miss the sweet sweet smell of baby breath. I miss the joy of knowing that I was the sole source of food for my child. I miss the feeling of total contentment and an indescribable emotion when I would look into the eyes of my nursing child; a feeling only another nursing mother can fully understand.

Is there a problem?

Last week we had our Parent Teacher Conferences for both of the girls.  I wasn't too worried going into them, but when I got an email from Sarah's teacher indicating that she wanted Sarah there and that "We all need to talk", I got a bit nervous.

Megan's conference was first.  Sarah had the same teacher three years ago, so I knew what to expect.  The county has changed the curriculum somewhat since then, with regards to math. They are presenting the first grade curriculum and if the kids don't get it, they work backwards.  So, Megan is doing WAY more math than Sarah did at the same age.  And you know what?  She gets it.  They are doing tally marks and graphing and she totally gets it!  She recognizes all her letters, lower and uppercase.  She can do almost all the sounds that correspond with the appropriate letter and is plugging right along. Socially, she is doing ok.  Her teacher wants her to be able to stand up for herself.  My Megan?  Evidently she looks up to another girl in the class who is older and more advanced.  Megan kind of lets her tell her what to do and she seems to be content with it.  It hasn't been a real problem, but Mrs. F wants her to be more confident in the class and be able to tell her friend "No".  I was totally flummoxed hearing all of this.  Megan has absolutely NO problem standing up for herself at home.  We almost have to step in and prevent her from standing up too much and bullying her older sister!

Sarah's conference did not go as well.  She is a helper and is rushing through her own work in order to help others in the class.  She has been given more Red Apples (Rewards for good character) than any other 3rd grader.  However, the teacher has concerns about her reading comprehension and math fact retention.  I have had my own concerns as well, but was secretly hoping it was just due to high expectations.  I was wrong.  We are going to try and get Sarah to calm down and focus and take her time to do her work correctly.  I am going to work with her on reading comprehension at home.  We will both monitor the situation and take a look at things in a few weeks.

Toward the end of our meeting, Sarah's teacher sent her off so we could talk alone.  Mrs. T was concerned that she had scared me, by the look on my face.  As an educator, I was fully aware of the implications of what she was telling me.  But clearly there was a look of shock on my face.  I was upset, only because I know that IF there are problems, that would make things much more difficult for Sarah.

I debriefed with Pat later in the night and began to think that maybe I was overreacting.  Maybe things aren't as I fear.  My girlfriend at work, who used to be an Elementary School teacher gave me some tips and pointers on how to work with Sarah and her reading. We will just plug away and keep reading and reminding Sarah to put effort and time into her work.  I am hoping that when we review the situation in December or January that things will have improved.

October

Evidently, October didn't exist.

Obviously, that is not exactly correct. It did exist, and was jam-packed with a million things to do. But, I really have no idea where the time went, but here we are almost a third of the way through November already-how the hell did that happen?!

I read a few blogs and thoroughly enjoy being able to keep up with the lives of others or read about controversial topics, but I seemed to have been barely able to do that in the past month or so. I started this blog as a way to chronicle my life and memories, not really caring how many people read it, or even if anyone reads it. I am sure that memorable things have happened in the past few weeks, but I just couldn't find the energy to write about it. So if there is anyone out there reading this, I am sorry that I have not updated since September!

In case you were interested, Megan recovered from her UTI-only after needing to go back for a second prescription of hard-core antibiotics (don't get me started on how inept the CVS by my house is). Sarah's soccer season just finished (they tied for 3rd place) and Winter Swimming started 2 weeks ago. Sarah also took classes to be able to receive her first communion and was thrilled to finally be able to partake last Sunday. Emma is now 18 months old and we still can only understand about 30% of what she is saying. The commitment to being on the Elementary School PTA has not been as bad as I thought it would, but it does often conflict with Sarah's choir practice. Pat tells me that I have Sarah in too many activities. I just want her to be able to enjoy her time with her friends. I haven't forced her to do any of these things. As soon as things begin to be a chore for her, we will revisit the situation. I just want her to be able to build a good friend base and keep active. I can't do the "after school play-date" that so many work/stay at home moms in our neighborhood do, so I have to keep her in activities where she sees her friends this way.

In conversation with an upset and stressed out student this afternoon, it became clear that she wasn't spending enough time on herself. She was internalizing her parents marital issues, her mom's battles with her younger sister, and her brother's early education (she was taking it upon herself to teach him his letters and to convince her sister to apply to the middle school magnet program). She has taken on fixing everyone's problems without caring for herself. She is now distracted, grades are suffering and she is crying a lot. Among other things we talked about, I suggested that she find time for herself, she needs to realize that she cannot solve some of the issues in the lives of those around her and focus on what she can do. She needs to find time to recharge her batteries, so to speak, and de-stress and she may find that things get easier.

Obviously, this is good advice for everyone, but definitely for me. It is near impossible to get "me time", but I need to find it. Also, I really enjoyed writing about our experiences as a family here on the blog, and I think I need to begin to do that more often. I won't promise daily, but I am definitely going to make more of an effort.

No time to pee?

I don't seem to have enough time these days. I know that is a common rant of a mother, but seriously, where the hell has the time gone. It is essentially October already and I can't believe it. I don't have time for anything any more. Clearly, since I haven't written anything on here since September 5! The only reason I am writing now is that I am home with Megan who has a Urinary Tract Infection and I am procrastinating folding the laundry.

The start of the school year has gone well. Sarah is involved in many things this year: Soccer (of course), Brownies, & now she is singing in our church's children's choir. Winter swim will start at the end of October, thankfully Soccer will almost be over by then. She is loving school (as much as any kid can) this year and is thrilled with her teacher (so am I). There is definitely more work this year and she is feeling the pinch. It is still a major struggle some nights to get her to finish it, but I know she is being challenged and not just coasting through (I've got to remember to write up our first major HW battle about the thesaurus)

Megan is not involved in any activities (no surprise there). She fights anything like that. She does want to join Daisy Scouts, but I don't think anyone wants to be the troop leader. She won't admit that she likes Kindergarten, but I'm pretty sure that she does. However, I did recently realize that she hasn't been using the bathroom at school. Last Thursday when I picked her up from aftercare, She told me she had a bad day. I shrugged it off as her usual complaining until she mentioned it again and I looked at her face. She had an accident and didn't tell anyone about it. She managed to finish up the school day, go to aftercare, play and sit down to start her homework without anyone realizing she had wet pants. I got her home and cleaned up and we talked. It turns out that she has been reluctant to use the classroom potty and has been holding it all day, every day. We talked about the importance of using the potty and I sent an email to her teacher. Friday, she came home and let me know that she had used the potty. I thought we were home free.

Monday night, after a weekend trip to grandmas, she complained that it hurt to go to the bathroom. I quickly called Pat who was already at the store and told him to buy some cranberry juice. I think we were too late. She drank some, and seemed OK Tuesday morning. Yesterday afternoon I picked her up from aftercare to find out that she had another accident right at the end of the school day. This time, she was taken to the nurse's office and given a change of clothes. She proceeded to be in a great deal of pain and cried out every time she used the potty. Damn, I knew it!

Pat took her to the Dr this morning for confirmation-UTI! She is still in pain, doesn't want to drink the cranberry juice and I had to bribe her to take the antibiotic. This girl has serious control issues, to the point of self destruction!

Stubborn

Megan, my middle child, is a stubborn child. I love her to death, but she will kill me I am sure! She is a creature of habit and has serious issues if things do not go her way. She is predictable in an unpredictable way. Or maybe I mean that the other way around. I never know when she is going to act up, but she usually does, but sometimes doesn't when I thought she would. Confused yet? Me too.

We finished daycare for her back in June and she was slated for 2 weeks of summer camp to begin the transition to being a "big girl" and getting ready for Kindergarten in the fall. Her older sister LOVES camp and looks forward to any camp experience with abandon. Megan, on the other hand, had convinced herself before even setting foot at the camp that it sucked and she didn't want to go. Well, she had no choice, "Mommy has to work and I've already paid for camp."

The first day of camp was a rough drop off for my dear husband. when I picked her up and asked her about her day, she melted and said she hated it (not a surprise). She told me she wasn't going to swim the next day at the pool either. When I picked her up on day two and asked her if she had fun, she told me no (meanwhile there was a teeny tiny smile on her face). The rest of the two weeks continued like that. I am pretty sure she had some fun, but would never admit to it and complain ALL. THE. TIME.

Then we began swim lessons. I wrote about it here. It was pure torture. I've discovered that this stubborn kid cannot be swayed easily at all.

Two weeks ago, my girls were invited by their Aunt to attend a week long evening Vacation Bible School at their church with their cousins. Sarah was on board as soon as it was mentioned. Megan wasn't sure. I didn't push it. They were having a party to kick off the program and Megan agreed, to my surprise, to go. She came home talking about moon bounces and games. On Monday, I asked her if she wanted to go and she said she would (not enthusiastically though). It was a little different when she came home that night, there was no moon bounce or Popsicles. I asked her if she had fun and was told,. "NO". I let her know that she didn't have to go again if she didn't want to and left it at that.

Tuesday night, I was hurrying Sarah along in getting ready to go when I asked Megan if she wanted to go. To my surprise, she said yes. Huh? Really? OK, lets go!

When she got home that evening I ask, "Megan, did you have fun?"

Looking down at the floor with a disappointed face, she sheepishly said "Yes".

Stitch

Remember in the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch when the mad scientist is describing his Experiment 626 (Stitch) and how he was designed for mass destruction? Well, that is Emma. She is absolutely adorable, yet thoroughly destructive. She is the most daring, destructive an inquisitive of our three girls.

I feel like I am constantly going around and picking things up. She figured out how to pull the Child-safety caps off of the electrical outlets on her first try...months ago! When the other girls attempted to mess with them I'd yell, maybe a slight swat on the hand and a firm NO! and they never touched them again. Emma is attracted to them and is constantly messing with them. We must now upgrade to a more secure plug cover



Here you see how she has learned how to climb up on the chairs in the kitchen.


She managed to push the chair from the desk area over to the island, and then proceeded to push everything onto the floor.



If she had enough upper body strength, she would have probably climbed up onto the island.













She figured out how to climb on the table. She pulls herself up on the bench and then right up onto the table ALL.THE.TIME! Yesterday we moved the bench to the basement where it will have to stay for probably another year. We don't have enough matching chairs for the kitchen table at the moment, but it will have to do. Now if I can just get the big girls to push in their chairs, we should be able to keep Emma off of the table

Good Cop Bad Cop

Why is it I am always the Bad Cop? Pat always gets to come in on his white horse and save the day (at least in the eyes of our girls). This weekend is no different.

For weeks, Pat has had plans to go to Pittsburgh this weekend to participate in a golf tournament put on by one of his high school buddies. He had planned on taking the big girls up with him for some alone time with him as well as an opportunity to see Grandma and Pappy without any cousins around to spoil their time.

As usual, we had to dangle this trip in front of the girls like a carrot in order to keep them on the straight and narrow. It worked for Sarah, but not so much for Megan. She refused to participate in pre-team swim practice (daily swim lessons with assistant coaches from Sarah's swim team). It didn't help that the main coach for her class was a tad bit impatient with the 4, 5 & 6 year-olds in the class. [Seriously, in a terse voice did you really have to threaten her that if she didn't start participating she would have to be removed from the water because she was holding back the whole class? If you had just let her get acclimated a bit by standing on the stairs, she probably would have been fine. Also, if you would have joked around with her instead of being all "coachy", it might have helped.]

All Megan had to do was participate in swim class. I usually don't issue ultimatums that I don't fully plan on following through with. So, when she refused to participate on Wednesday (the 3rd day in a row), I pulled the plug on the trip. As much as I wanted my "free" time, I was willing to sacrifice for the greater good. I knew that Pat was disappointed and that my mother-in-law would be VERY disappointed, but it had to be done....she has gotten out of control.

Wednesday, Pat informed me that my mother-in-law had already purchased tickets to the zoo and that their Aunt had gone out of her way to secure pool passes for them as well. He really wanted Megan to go so that this was not a waste. He got to play good cop. I think that he gave her a stern lecture Thursday morning and told her that she needed to apologize to me and that if she did, she would be able to go on the trip.

As I said goodbye to them later that afternoon, I reminded Megan that she had been given a gift. If I found out that she had behaved horribly on the trip she would be in trouble upon her return.

I'm sure she doesn't believe it though..not with Daddy always coming to her rescue.