Monday, November 7, 2011


Today I turn 40.

Up until a few weeks ago, I really didn't see this as a big deal. I still really don't. I'm not devastated to be turning 40. Hell, I don't even feel like 40 is OLD. I can't really put my finger on what the problem is, but I definitely feel off.

I don't know if it's hormones or a "mid-life crisis", but I am not feeling happy about lots of things right now. Since I have no other things to blame it on, it must be the fact that I have this "momentous" birthday.

I feel like, nothing I do is right. That I haven't reached goals I feel like I should. That something is empty or unfulfilled. As I said before, I can't put my finger on what it is, but I'm not happy about it.

I'm sure I could chalk it up to the fact that I've got three young kids, a husband, a job and volunteering responsibilities that have me pulled in 17 different directions. But I don't know. I have friends with similar responsibilities, and they seem fine. But then again, I wonder if I seem fine to them

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband and my kids. My job is great. It's just that something seems off.

I often feel as though my husband and kids don't appreciate me. I know that they do, it's just that I don't feel it. Ever since I was a little girl, I have needed the validation, the hugs, the "I love you's". I can't explain it, I just crave it. Maybe it's the middle child thing (as I feel as though my middle child is the same way). The thing is, even though I know how my family feels about me, I don't get the validation (except from the littlest one) very often. I'm always fighting with the older two, or they are fighting with each other. It's exhausting. There are times that my husband and I just interact like roommates raising children. I can't tell you the number of times, we've spent evenings in silence, him on his ipad, me on my laptop.

so, instead of looking to the positive, I find myself dwelling on the negative, the goals unmet, relationships unfulfilled.

My kids fight all the time

I can't keep my house clean

There are always bills to pay

I am ungrateful when my husband buys me a gift and I focus on how it is not exactly what I had in mind

I haven't' come anywhere close to my fitness/weight goals

I am hoping that once this day is past, I can get out of the funk that I seem to be in.