Lost

***I wrote this post a few weeks ago but was afraid to publish it. I decided to just go ahead and expose myself anyway!***

I am lost.


Not in a literal sense. Unlike some people I know, I can usually find my way around town. I feel I have lost myself. I came to a realization today that I am just a shell of my former self. I am "Mommy" 24/7 and aside from the 8+ hours a day I am at work, I am always on duty. I have a wonderful husband who does a great deal of the parenting and household duties, but he is Dad and I am Mom. No matter what some may say, there is a huge difference.


I have a co-worker that has always talked about how she has to have a life outside of her kids. She finds time for herself, even if it is at 4:30 in the morning. She is a devoted mom and gives a lot of her energy to them and to her kids at school, but she has interests and activities that are separate from both her work and home life. Over the past few years of listening to her, I haven't always agreed. I viewed "motherhood" and "self" as one in the same. I couldn't view myself in total without taking these two things into consideration. My lives had merged into one and that is how I felt they should be; a kind of evolution over the years.


Today, I had an epiphany. She was right! I should have other aspects of my life. I cannot be happy just being mommy. I am tired of having the same arguments with my kids, I am tired of telling them to clean up, I am tired of thinking about what to make for dinner, I am tired of making dinner, I am tired...I need a break. There are so many times that my husband has gone out to play poker, or to watch a football game, or just relaxed while I had the kids. I want that time, I want to have time away from my duties as "Mommy". I need a girls night out.


Then it hit me. I am ashamed to admit this, but I have a very loose circle of friends. I don't have anyone that I can call in times of dire frustration when I need to get out of the house and have some "me" time.


How did this happen? I have never had a large circle of friends, but I would always find time to connect with friends. But somehow life got in the way. Happy Hour events became daycare pickups. Weekend dinners became harder and harder to schedule.


How can I recover? I am so jealous of those I hear talk of their girlfriends. I have a few friends that I consider close, but I don't know if they consider me close. We moved into our current house almost 3 years ago and It seemed as if I saw close relationships among other mothers everywhere. I knew it would take time to form these same relationships, but I didn't think I would still feel like an outsider after all this time. I am not an outgoing person and find it hard to push myself into a conversation and then find a way to make a relationship last longer than the next school activity, soccer practice or swim meet.


Maybe I am not lost, but my social life is. 'I don't know how to break this rut I am in, but I need to find a way, soon, or I may lose my mind.

Or maybe this is nothing but a hormonally induced meltdown.

That Child

Every educator, and possibly every parent, knows that child. This is the child that other children feed off of; the child whose presence alone can create a certain energy in the classroom; the child who when absent, the dynamic of the classroom completely changes-often for the better.

I discovered the other day that my child is that child.

Sarah had forgotten an item in her classroom the other afternoon and we went back to get it. Her teacher was still in the classroom as was Sarah's best friend and her mother and a few other kids. The adults got to talking and the conversation revolved around the kids recent behavior. Sarah missed the morning due to a doctor's appointment. Mr. L, her teacher, indicated to me that the entire class was different that morning. My friend Lynn commented that she was so amazed when she walked her daughter Grace into the class. Grace has always talked about how noisy it is in class first thing in the morning, but that morning, everyone was quietly working. Mr . L had noticed the same thing and stated very matter-of-factly that it was due to Sarah's absence. She is a ring leader and they feed off of her behavior.

I knew my child was a social child, but I had no idea she was that child.

Weigh in Wednesday...or Friday!

Ok, It's Friday and not Wednesday, but I have been so busy at home and at work that I just haven't had a chance to post for this week (or last week!) until today. I am home with a not-so-sick sick child and have time to actually get things done!

Last week I had a savage head cold and the decongestant that I took (that I probably shouldn't have since I'm still nursing) caused me to pee out (TMI sorry) 2lbs in 2 days, so I didn't really count last weeks weight loss as real. So this week I am down .8 since 2 weeks ago, for a total of 3.6 since Jan. 2. Not exactly where I wanted to be since I was hoping for 5-6 lbs down by now, but a loss is a loss!

Looking forward to continuing this meager weight loss until April. By then the baby will be almost 12 months and less dependent on my milk during the day.

Status Report

We are just a bit over a month into 2009 and I thought I'd check in on my "goals". Here is what the list looked like on Jan 2:

Refinance house/take out HELOC (in process)
Steam clean carpets (have done dining room living room and stairs)
Organize closets (master bedroom & Emma's done)
Re-do Closet (buy system from container store in Feb on sale)
Find time to work out
Paint Family room/kitchen/dining room
Burn home movies on to DVD's (in process- videos downloaded from camcorder)
buy curtains for Dining room
Go through girls clothes and pack/give away (done- for now, it is never ending)
Book Sarah's bday party (done & invitations in mail)
Storm door
Landscape side of garage
bulletin board for kitchen (Done)
screens repaired
thank you notes written (Written just not mailed- I know, I am a horrible person)
figure out camp schedule
buy and install new baby gates
buy new car seat (Done)

Not too bad for a month!