***I wrote this post a few weeks ago but was afraid to publish it. I decided to just go ahead and expose myself anyway!***
I am lost.
Not in a literal sense. Unlike some people I know, I can usually find my way around town. I feel I have lost myself. I came to a realization today that I am just a shell of my former self. I am "Mommy" 24/7 and aside from the 8+ hours a day I am at work, I am always on duty. I have a wonderful husband who does a great deal of the parenting and household duties, but he is Dad and I am Mom. No matter what some may say, there is a huge difference.
I have a co-worker that has always talked about how she has to have a life outside of her kids. She finds time for herself, even if it is at 4:30 in the morning. She is a devoted mom and gives a lot of her energy to them and to her kids at school, but she has interests and activities that are separate from both her work and home life. Over the past few years of listening to her, I haven't always agreed. I viewed "motherhood" and "self" as one in the same. I couldn't view myself in total without taking these two things into consideration. My lives had merged into one and that is how I felt they should be; a kind of evolution over the years.
Today, I had an epiphany. She was right! I should have other aspects of my life. I cannot be happy just being mommy. I am tired of having the same arguments with my kids, I am tired of telling them to clean up, I am tired of thinking about what to make for dinner, I am tired of making dinner, I am tired...I need a break. There are so many times that my husband has gone out to play poker, or to watch a football game, or just relaxed while I had the kids. I want that time, I want to have time away from my duties as "Mommy". I need a girls night out.
Then it hit me. I am ashamed to admit this, but I have a very loose circle of friends. I don't have anyone that I can call in times of dire frustration when I need to get out of the house and have some "me" time.
How did this happen? I have never had a large circle of friends, but I would always find time to connect with friends. But somehow life got in the way. Happy Hour events became daycare pickups. Weekend dinners became harder and harder to schedule.
How can I recover? I am so jealous of those I hear talk of their girlfriends. I have a few friends that I consider close, but I don't know if they consider me close. We moved into our current house almost 3 years ago and It seemed as if I saw close relationships among other mothers everywhere. I knew it would take time to form these same relationships, but I didn't think I would still feel like an outsider after all this time. I am not an outgoing person and find it hard to push myself into a conversation and then find a way to make a relationship last longer than the next school activity, soccer practice or swim meet.
Maybe I am not lost, but my social life is. 'I don't know how to break this rut I am in, but I need to find a way, soon, or I may lose my mind.
Or maybe this is nothing but a hormonally induced meltdown.