Lost

***I wrote this post a few weeks ago but was afraid to publish it. I decided to just go ahead and expose myself anyway!***

I am lost.


Not in a literal sense. Unlike some people I know, I can usually find my way around town. I feel I have lost myself. I came to a realization today that I am just a shell of my former self. I am "Mommy" 24/7 and aside from the 8+ hours a day I am at work, I am always on duty. I have a wonderful husband who does a great deal of the parenting and household duties, but he is Dad and I am Mom. No matter what some may say, there is a huge difference.


I have a co-worker that has always talked about how she has to have a life outside of her kids. She finds time for herself, even if it is at 4:30 in the morning. She is a devoted mom and gives a lot of her energy to them and to her kids at school, but she has interests and activities that are separate from both her work and home life. Over the past few years of listening to her, I haven't always agreed. I viewed "motherhood" and "self" as one in the same. I couldn't view myself in total without taking these two things into consideration. My lives had merged into one and that is how I felt they should be; a kind of evolution over the years.


Today, I had an epiphany. She was right! I should have other aspects of my life. I cannot be happy just being mommy. I am tired of having the same arguments with my kids, I am tired of telling them to clean up, I am tired of thinking about what to make for dinner, I am tired of making dinner, I am tired...I need a break. There are so many times that my husband has gone out to play poker, or to watch a football game, or just relaxed while I had the kids. I want that time, I want to have time away from my duties as "Mommy". I need a girls night out.


Then it hit me. I am ashamed to admit this, but I have a very loose circle of friends. I don't have anyone that I can call in times of dire frustration when I need to get out of the house and have some "me" time.


How did this happen? I have never had a large circle of friends, but I would always find time to connect with friends. But somehow life got in the way. Happy Hour events became daycare pickups. Weekend dinners became harder and harder to schedule.


How can I recover? I am so jealous of those I hear talk of their girlfriends. I have a few friends that I consider close, but I don't know if they consider me close. We moved into our current house almost 3 years ago and It seemed as if I saw close relationships among other mothers everywhere. I knew it would take time to form these same relationships, but I didn't think I would still feel like an outsider after all this time. I am not an outgoing person and find it hard to push myself into a conversation and then find a way to make a relationship last longer than the next school activity, soccer practice or swim meet.


Maybe I am not lost, but my social life is. 'I don't know how to break this rut I am in, but I need to find a way, soon, or I may lose my mind.

Or maybe this is nothing but a hormonally induced meltdown.

That Child

Every educator, and possibly every parent, knows that child. This is the child that other children feed off of; the child whose presence alone can create a certain energy in the classroom; the child who when absent, the dynamic of the classroom completely changes-often for the better.

I discovered the other day that my child is that child.

Sarah had forgotten an item in her classroom the other afternoon and we went back to get it. Her teacher was still in the classroom as was Sarah's best friend and her mother and a few other kids. The adults got to talking and the conversation revolved around the kids recent behavior. Sarah missed the morning due to a doctor's appointment. Mr. L, her teacher, indicated to me that the entire class was different that morning. My friend Lynn commented that she was so amazed when she walked her daughter Grace into the class. Grace has always talked about how noisy it is in class first thing in the morning, but that morning, everyone was quietly working. Mr . L had noticed the same thing and stated very matter-of-factly that it was due to Sarah's absence. She is a ring leader and they feed off of her behavior.

I knew my child was a social child, but I had no idea she was that child.

Weigh in Wednesday...or Friday!

Ok, It's Friday and not Wednesday, but I have been so busy at home and at work that I just haven't had a chance to post for this week (or last week!) until today. I am home with a not-so-sick sick child and have time to actually get things done!

Last week I had a savage head cold and the decongestant that I took (that I probably shouldn't have since I'm still nursing) caused me to pee out (TMI sorry) 2lbs in 2 days, so I didn't really count last weeks weight loss as real. So this week I am down .8 since 2 weeks ago, for a total of 3.6 since Jan. 2. Not exactly where I wanted to be since I was hoping for 5-6 lbs down by now, but a loss is a loss!

Looking forward to continuing this meager weight loss until April. By then the baby will be almost 12 months and less dependent on my milk during the day.

Status Report

We are just a bit over a month into 2009 and I thought I'd check in on my "goals". Here is what the list looked like on Jan 2:

Refinance house/take out HELOC (in process)
Steam clean carpets (have done dining room living room and stairs)
Organize closets (master bedroom & Emma's done)
Re-do Closet (buy system from container store in Feb on sale)
Find time to work out
Paint Family room/kitchen/dining room
Burn home movies on to DVD's (in process- videos downloaded from camcorder)
buy curtains for Dining room
Go through girls clothes and pack/give away (done- for now, it is never ending)
Book Sarah's bday party (done & invitations in mail)
Storm door
Landscape side of garage
bulletin board for kitchen (Done)
screens repaired
thank you notes written (Written just not mailed- I know, I am a horrible person)
figure out camp schedule
buy and install new baby gates
buy new car seat (Done)

Not too bad for a month!

New Look

I was able to get the baby down early tonight and realized I had some time to play. While I sat with the girls watching a horrid movie on the Disney Channel, I was able to upload some new photos and worked on downloading videos from the video camera.While I was at it, I played around with the format here.

While doing laundry last week, I got an actual shot of a load of all pink (with some purple) laundry!

Off to bed before Emma wakes up!

Here are a few shots taken this week. The first two are from Pat's promotion ceremony and the last one is from last week when Emma got to see her first snow!

Weigh in Wednesday!

Unlike yesterday, I actually checked on the status of school before getting out of bed this morning. Thankfully, I was able to sleep in this morning! This will, of course, cause us some problems if we get much more snow this year. Thanks to having inauguration day off, we now only have 1 more snow day built into the calendar!

This morning I am down 1 lb from last week. for a total of 2.8 lbs since Jan 2. I know its slow going, but I am nursing and don't want to drop too much too fast since I already struggle with my supply.

I was able to get my hands on a Wii Fit this week as well! I love it. I need to get some games to go with it, but the software that comes with it is pretty good. I've done some yoga, strength training and aerobics. My kids are having a ball with it too! I don't like the fact that it changes your mii person to look like what your BMI is though. I look like I've got a spare tire! Hopefully that will change soon enough!

My oldest opted to go to daycare today, so I am home with the 4.5 year old and the baby. That means no fighting! Yay!!!

What a day!

Last night the weather forecast called for snow starting midday and into this evening. Sometimes, these forecasters are wrong. Often, here in the Washington DC area, what is supposed to be snow ends up being rain, or just a dusting. As someone who works for the school system, I love a good snow day. However, I rarely get my hopes up.

This morning, I got up at my usual time, knowing that there was only a slim chance that the "storm" with "significant accumulation" would come in early. I certainly didn't want to risk waking the sleeping baby snuggled in next to me. So, I went into the bathroom and looked out the window. Nothing on the ground...I knew it! Those weather men/women were all wrong. I took my shower and prepared for my day.

As I walked down the stairs, I noticed a dusting of snow on the street. Hmm, we might get out early today, I thought. I fed the dog and let her out back. What I thought was a dusting was actually about half an inch on the deck. I turned on the TV and then learned that schools were cancelled for the day. I could have slept in!

I crawled back into bed and snuggled for a little while until Pat got up for his shower and Emma wanted to nurse. I got breakfast underway while Pat went out to start his car and clear off the snow. A few moments later, he came back in the door a little flustered. Evidently the key fob lock malfunctioned and as soon as he shut his car door he heard the doors lock automatically. There he was, the car was running and the keys were now locked inside. He did not have a spare key and was stuck. We live pretty far from his station or any co-workers that could help him out. I was getting ready to go out and help him with a coat hanger when his brother (who lives down the street and is also in law enforcement) called and told Pat he had a "slim jim" so he could jimmy the door open. Only 30 min late for work, Pat finally hit the road!

I used the snow as an opportunity to get my aerobic work out in today once Emma took a nap. IT felt good to get out there and the snow was pretty easy to shovel.

Sarah and I each had orthodontist appointments this afternoon. I was dreading them since she is a thumb sucker. I was sure I'd leave there knowing that I would soon be thousands of dollars in debt for braces for both of us. Before we could even get there (with all three kids in tow), Megan was dragging her feet and giving me grief about having to go. She called for to come help her upstairs. I reluctantly headed upstairs and found her standing in the corner of my bathroom facing the shower door. I thought she had possibly closed her hair in the door and was stuck. She turned around and then I saw the blood. I couldn't tell exactly where it was coming from and she wouldn't tell me. I finally figured out that she had been playing with her father's razor sitting on the counter. I rinsed it out and determined that it wasn't as deep as I thought and bandaged it up.

Once at the Orthodontist's office, the girls were a handful. Sarah sat in the chair first and Megan was doing her best to keep my attention on her and not her sister. Turns out, Sarah's bite is not as bad as previously thought. Braces aren't needed yet. However, she has to stop sucking her thumb NOW. The Dr gave her a good talking to and wants to see her back in a month to see if she stops. If not, he will install some sort of blocking appliance on the roof of her mouth,

My TMJ related jaw problem is not a bite issue either. He has referred me to an oral surgeon to explore some other possibilities and once we diagnose and discuss whether I want to treat it, then he will address my "snaggle tooth" that keeps pushing out further and further.

Dinner was homemade chicken noodle soup made with the stock from the chicken I roasted on Sunday. Pat and I loved it, the big girls barely touched it, Emma inhaled it! This kid is an eater!!

For a snow day, it was a busy one, but all in all a good day!